I've been doing Weight Watchers the last few months. My employer has started offering WW at work. We have a meeting once a week on site where we do our weigh in. Additionally, if we join and attend 80% of the meetings we get back half of the meeting cost and we can pay via payroll deduction. And a good friend in my office is also doing it so I have some good in-house moral support. Basically, there were no more excuses. I've done OK with it. If we are friends on FB occasionally a negative number will show up in my status, that's to do with this experience.
Tracking my weight has made me aware of some interesting things. One of these factoids is that my body really starts bloating about two weeks before my period. That water weight shows up for two weeks and then I loose five pounds the next weigh in. It's a bit of a roller coaster ride in that respect. I try not to get too upset when I gain some weight if I know the cause. Also, even though I suck at tracking the food I eat (I manage a day or two a week at the most), knowing that I am in some way accountable to another person makes me more aware of what I am eating. I know that I'm eating better. I bought swiss chard on my last trip to the grocery store, for heaven's sake! That is a great thing.
This morning though, I had a major revelation regarding some life-long attitudes thanks to a conversation I had with my mother the last time we talked. She knows that I'm doing WW and I think is trying to be encouraging. Except that she doesn't know how to do that very well. One thing I've noticed about my mom recently is that she tends to have a very negative mindset. Part of this is regarding her own skill set. She was a single parent of hormonal teenagers for several years, raising two decent human-beings. During that time she went back to school to earn a master's degree. She bought a house and a car and kept herself out of significant debt. She can do things, y'all. She had to back then, there was no choice. But now it seems like she doubts herself at every turn, comparing herself to others around her. She is a talented artist and sells her artwork pretty regularly. But she focuses on her deficiencies, what's wrong, not what's good or right. She holds on to slights and wrongs. She doesn't often stand up for herself and when she does it is often after a battery of perceived wrongs and it can be explosive. She is a perfectionist in many ways. I am often deficiency focused. I want things to be perfect. I have often expected perfection of myself and of others. Guess what? I've often lived life disappointed. I am working on that. I am trying to be happy with what I produce rather than expecting perfection the first time I try things. I recognize that I am learning. And hopefully I am recognizing that in other people.
What does this have to do with WW you ask? Back to the conversation I had with my mother. She asked "So, did you do better this week?" It made me angry. In that one statement was, at least to me, a great deal of judgement. I hadn't actually weighed in the week before because I had a migraine and didn't make it to work until later in the afternoon because I had a phone appt. with a student. The two weeks prior were actually good weeks. But somehow she had it stuck in her mind that I had gained some weight before Christmas (our department potluck was right before I weighed in that day - not so good), not that I had lost all of that plus some since returning from break. We had to have a little conversation about how she is not allowed to make judgement calls (better, worse, etc) about this weight loss journey of mine. I was angry with her when I got off the phone.
I don't think she understands what was wrong in what she said even though I tried to explain. I gave her neutral phrases she can use instead "How did it go?" etc. But as I was thinking about it this morning (it's weigh in day) I realized this is part of her deficiency focused mind. She is applying her lens to my situation - not what went right but what went wrong. We both have that tendency, I'm afraid that it's something I learned from her. I'm trying to combat it in my own life and I'm trying to not be angry with her.
Oh self-realization, you can be a bitch to work through.