And now...

back to our regularly scheduled program.

I read a book recently called The Sparrow but Mary Doria Russell. It's sci-fi about a Jesuit Mission to another planet. Not everyone who makes the trip is Catholic or even believes in God. They all end up dead except for one priest. That's not a spoiler and you should read the book.

There are several passages as each person wrestles with God or the idea of God but this one really struck me:

Once, long ago, she'd allowed herself to think seriously about what human beings would do, confronted directly with a sign of God's presence in their lives. The Bible, that repository of Western wisdom, was instructive either as myth or as history, she'd decided. God was at Sinai and within weeks, people were dancing in front of a golden calf. God walked in Jerusalem and days later, folks nailed Him up and then went back to work. Faced with the Divine, people took refuge in the banal, as though answering a cosmic multiple-choice question: If you saw a burning bush, would you (a) call 911, (b) get the hot dogs, or (c) recognize God? A vanishingly small number of people would recognize God, Anne had decided years before, and most of them had simply missed a dose of Thorazine.

How do we learn to recognize God in our lives? It reminds me of the passage in I Kings about Elijah and God meeting him on the mountain:

1 Kings 19: 11-18

The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" He replied, "I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too." The Lord said to him, "Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus...Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel--all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and all whose mouths have not kissed him."

Trying not to move too much

This morning?

On my way to work?

I was in a car accident.

My neck hurts. My head feels a little fuzzy too. I'm going to visit my doctor this afternoon.

Also? Not my fault. The other driver was cited for not having brake lights. Which made all the difference. Otherwise, it would have been mine. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to ask the police officer to check the brake lights on the other vehicle.

Church shopping and boredom

Yeah, I hate the phrase church shopping. But I can't escape from the fact that that is sort of what I'm doing right now.

I visited two (I know! I'm SO much holier than you!) churches yesterday. One was a church that I had considered because there is a buzz about it where I work. It's in the denomination affiliated with the college where I am employed. Mostly college and seminary students or young professionals, I recognized about 20 people there. Which, in itself, struck me as weird. And the whole time I was there I had two impressions/questions. 1) Where were the kids? and 2) It seems like theatre. I'll explain a bit.

The lack of children - the church does have its niche, students and young professionals. It's in "the City" with an annoying lack of parking available. It meets not in its own building but the building of a non-profit organization. There are (rather uncomfortable for someone with an ass my size) folding chairs that are set up and taken down for meetings. But nothing in the bulletin or announcements about children. What if I was a visiting parent and brought my kids along? How would I know what to do with them? Or not do with them? Because they have nothing (No-Thing!) for kids during the second service, which I assume would attract the most visitors. I love kids. I do. I fall in love with babies and 3rd grades and middle-schoolers. One of my things that I will miss about my old church is the kids, watching them grow up before my very eyes. Amazed at who they are and developing relationships with them. Thrilled when their parents cajole/bribe/insist on their participation in ministry. Or, when they get older, make the decision to help out. I noticed (and nicely complained) when baby dedications began cutting out the question to the congregation regarding our commitment to the child and the parent(s) to help them raise their child because they are a part of our extended families. Mind you, most of this is in small doses. I have no children of my own and cannot handle them in doses larger than 8 or 9 hours.

The theatre thing. I'm not into the whole "pastor" label. I'm not speaking of the office of pastor or the role of pastor, extremely important. But the whole culture where you call your pastor not by her/his first name but "Pastor" as if that was their name. And some of the fawning. Pastor Fawning makes me want to vomit a little. So... anyways. The church meeting space itself was very dark. Only spot lights on the stage. Yeah, spot lights I said. As if we are to focus on the person up front rather than, well, God. Drives. Me. Nuts. And if you go to one of those churches, and you are fine with it, that is Okay. I won't judge you too harshly. But it ain't gonna be where I choose to go. So, the message was fine. The pastor was sharing the "vision" for the next year. Which sounds like it was the same vision that the church has had for a while and it's nothing new. Just a reification of it. And there were people that gave "testimonies" via film. But here's the thing. Dear Lord, they were long. And trying to be all artsy as they zoomed in and out and then in on the ear and out and then in on the eyes. I commented to my friend that met me there (who attends regularly) that it made me feel a little bit queasy. She agreed. And the pastor kept saying things like "If you are church shopping, well, I'm telling you, this is it. Because I just don't know how you wouldn't fall in love with us after hearing our vision..." Well, I'm not in love Peter. Sorry. But not really.

Oh, and? It's bigger than what I'm looking for in all honesty. But I wonder if I'll go back next weekend to give it another chance. It will be a more normal service, not this "vision casting" deal. So I need to figure out if it'll be a waste of my time or not. Sigh.

In the evening I visited a new evening service that started at the church I've visited a few times already. "Same teaching but extended worship and ministry time" was how it was billed. The teaching was great. The music was not the full band but if the piano's connection to the speakers had been working it would have been fine I'm sure. And prayer time was good. Because this weekend I was missing my regular modes of ministry and was sort of struggling with myself to be OK with that. Not always being the one serving but being OK with being served. But this might have been a bit too small - there were only 20 or so people there.

Honestly, I feel like I've entered into a selfish time. I'm ready to find my own apartment where I know where things are and I don't have to clean up after others or worry about others cleaning up after me. I'm looking for a church that suits me rather than trying to figure out how I can suit the church.

I can't take classes this semester because I graduated with my certificate in May and I have a graduation fee that I need to pay before I can register for new classes. This weekend I (finally) got my reimbursement check from my flex-spending account except it was all chewed up. The entire bottom right hand corner was missing. No signatures, routing info was missing, etc. I think I could have paid my balance with that money but now it has to be reissued and will take forever to get to me because they have my old address and won't update it over the phone; changes must be submitted in writing. And, honestly, there is only one class that would fit my degree and I don't want to take it. Old Testament I. A few years ago I started OTII (prophets, psalms and wisdom lit) but had to drop because I was taking 7 hours and it was too much. I would have flunked the class if I had stayed in it. But the class was so great and the prof. gave these fabulous lectures and I had never heard anyone talk about Jonah or Job the way he did. It made sense. So I want to a) redeem that "W" hanging out on my transcript and b) get more of this fabulous teaching.

But... this means that I have nothing to do. I'm bored. There's only so much television one can watch. And only so many soakers one can crochet, even if you love the unborn child as much as I love this kid that I haven't met yet. So, any suggestions as to how I should be spending my time? Should I start making earrings and hawking them on the internet? How would I even do that? Should I start painting and drawing again? (Let me just remind you that I really don't have the room to do either of these on any large scale) Volunteering, unless I do it on Saturdays, would be really hard. I spend two hours commuting every day and the earliest I get off of work is 6, usually a little later than that. To get near home after work takes me until about 7.

Anyone? (Because it's all about Me!)

Of Girl Scouts and Cookies

Every year one of my bosses brings in the Girl Scout Cookie sheet for the girl children. I love Girl Scouts. I was one once upon a time. But this whole parent selling-product-for-their-child thing (never mind boss person) irks me quite a bit. Firstly, my co-worker's children are home schooled. The younger ones are unnaturally timid when they appear in the office, so much so that it freaks me out a bit. Silent, little, pale, almost translucent, children wandering about. Attempts to speak are at a whisper. And if you ask them about what they are selling or why they are selling it don't really expect an answer.

Now, I understand that things are a little different nowadays than when I was in sixth grade But I was expected to sell the stuff, not my parents. I had to approach people, even if my father did take me to his place of employment. I was the one that had to ask and "make the sell" so to speak. If I was selling to folks at church I had do it. Also, what I sold that day was it. I wouldn't leave my little order form about on the conference room table just in case anybody walked by and thought "Oh Thank God! Girl Scout Cookies!" Not only the leaving of the order sheet but also the reminding of co-workers that they have an opportunity to buy said cookies. And I think that is so unnecessary, even wrong, because it's your boss asking you to buy cookies from his/her child. Ugh.

Every year I say the same thing. "If I'm buying _____ from your kid, I want to see them. I want to know what they money is going towards. I want to know if your child knows what the money is going for."

Yes. I will give her/him/them a hard time.

Also can I also say, it is hard to find a Girl Scout when you just want to order some damn cookies?

Another Option?

Bill Richardson - presently serving as governor to New Mexico.
Unfortunately, I can't find much on his intention to form a committee or where he stands on the issues. What I do know is that he is a pretty stand up guy. He has much more international experience than most having served at the UN. And the fact that he's Latino doesn't hurt either.

From past presidential races it does seem like those folks that get the attention up front don't end up with the nomination because of the scrutiny of the press, etc. Also, the darlings of the press don't always seem to be the best options out there, they are there because they're well known and they sell, not because they have clear concise opinions and articulated stances on the issues that we care about.

I'll be sure to share what I find out.

Overdoing it - again

I bought four pairs of shoes last night. (Two of whic are displayed above)
FOUR!
For about $25.
I have mad shopping skills.

Gluttony and Purpose

Hi! I've returned from baby land.

At least I think I have...

Actually, who am I kidding? I'm still surfing cloth diaper sites, making random stops at Babys-R-Us on my way home from work, looking for crochet patterns online. All in search of cute things for Baby, a child not scheduled to arrive until end of February or beginning of March. Except that the shower is this weekend. Thus the baby frenzy.

It's part of my personality. I get obsessed with something for a short period of time and overload on it. Then, a day later, a week later, I'm over it. I read like this sometimes, staying up all night when I get absorbed in a good book. I paint and draw like this staying up late, working in a frenzy for a few days and then I put it away and I'm done with it for, well lately, a year or two. I'm crafty in spurts. Crocheting or knitting or cross stitching obsessively for days, usually for a deadline that I think needs to be met. But not always. Sometimes they sit there, incomplete.

There are several projects that sit in the trunk in my living room, unfinished, sadly languishing for months and years on end. When my grandmother died and we went through her house it was the same with her - half-finished projects, finely crocheted table cloths, quilt blocks in stacks, mounds of yarn and fabric, sets of dishes half painted. I come by it honestly and am fearful that this will be me when I die.

I'm sadly lacking in perseverance or consistency. I beat myself up over this all the time. But I tend to overload on things and then wander off, only to eventually wander back, faintly remembering how it made me feel - purposeful, as if I was working towards something. I often feel this way in my relationship with God. Some intense moments of self-realization, feeling close to God, reading for enjoyment, talking with God, and then after a day or two, I get distracted by the next shiny, sparkly thing that comes along. I wander in another direction for a bit and eventually look back over my shoulder at God and think, "Oh, You. I remember You. It was a good thing. Maybe I should try that again."

Hey, I recognize that!

Check it!
January 15 from Illinois.

Exciting Things A Foot

Have you heard this?

Have you watched this?

Woooohoooo!

She's ba-a-a-ack

Hi! Thanks to those of you that de-lurked. Yay!

So many things in my head. Not too many of them fit together well. So, umm, sorry if you were looking for coherence of thought.


The weekend was lovely. I was at a reading most of Saturday and it was quite interesting and fun. My friend the film guy has been working on this project for ages, seriously, probably 2 years, and felt like it was at a stage to get a wide range of opinion. Hopefully, he's not crushed with all the feedback! It was, overall, quite funny and has some great scenes in it. We did establish that he is not comfortable writing dialogue for a 14-year old girl. Huh. Go figure!

I had dinner with some friends and a quiet evening by the fire. Fire is good. We had a heck of a time getting the logs started though. But, after about an hour of trying, it finally took. I was a Girl Scout, but apparently I did not get the fire starting badge.

Sunday I visited the same church I had gone to the previous Sunday. The teaching was quite good and resonated with me. It looks like majority of the topics for the series he is working on are compassion, justice, or mercy related which is where my heart is so I am encouraged. Also, this church is doing a plant in a college neighborhood. And hey, me and college kids, I love them. AND they started a Sunday evening service which sounds kind of nice. Sleeping in is a wonderful thing I hear. I couldn't go last night because....

24 HAS STARTED!

I would be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little excited.

I, along with fans everywhere, am asking myself, WWJBD? Kick Ass, that's what!

So hard to believe that this is season six. It is such a phenomenal show and completely addictive. I can't wait for two more hours of the premier tonight. I might be shaking just a bit from withdrawal after last night or it could be the caffeine...

De-lurking week

Hey folks, it's the third annual Delurking Week. Started by Sheryl.

Some of you say "what the heck is a lurker?" Basically, readers who don't comment. Which is OK. Because I do that sometimes. But sometimes I like to leave comments and I always love to get comments. So, make me happy - say something this week?

I'm not posting again until Monday. But I'll be visiting my regular sites wishing folks a happy Delurking Week.

Talented people

I have talented friends. I'm sure you know, because most of you are my friends, and have quite a bit of talent. Whether it's making jewelry, knitting (wait... do any of you people knit?), writing songs or stories, or painting wonderful things, y'all are a talented bunch.

But today, I'm talking about Melanie. She makes fabulous shadow boxes and takes great photos. And makes way groovy accessories, some of which, if you know me personally, you might have seen me wear lately. And she's got some excellent stuff up on her blog today. So go visit!

Monday Monday

I think that if time was going any slower it would stop altogether. How is it not yet time to go home? But, in happier news, I have a can of Barq's that I just cracked open and while I really should be drinking water, this is the nectar of the gods, at least before 10 pm.

So, how was your weekend? Mine was different. Friday I spent time with the girls. This was not so different. But nice.












There was homemade pizza, even the crust, and customized pizza. Tasty.












Saturday I slept in and watched cartoons, napped and read all day. It was glorious. Glorious I tell you! Normally I would have been up and out of the house by 9:20 for church activities.

Sunday I made my first church visit. I'm going back next Sunday because my friend was doing the teaching and he's not the person that does this normally and I want to get the feel for what it's like normally. And I've got questions and should probably meet other folks besides those that I already know - even if I love them and their baby. One thing I do really like about the church I visited is the diversity, not just in the congregation but in the folks that are leading things. This speaks Loads to me about their commitment to diversity. It might not even be intentional, but it's happening and that is great.

Last night I spent the evening watching The Office - US version. A friend had rented the DVD and someone had recommended it to her. I know this is a huge favorite of many, many people. But I'm not so excited about it, I have to say.

And we ate banana oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. My roommate that bakes, she is wonderful.

Pictures

You may not have known I have a sister.
My parents like her best I'm pretty sure...

Lady Di says "Hello"

She wants you to know that she enjoys snuggling with her brother...

and particularly likes her father's armpit as the perfect snoozing spot.

Treats are very important.
If you have food you must share!

Christmas in the Great Plains was, well, plain.

Blue sky, the sun shining...Mom in the back seat watching a movie...Oklahoma oil wells pumping away, even on Christmas Day.My cousin's baby and his dad.And the newest furry member.
So new he didn't yet have a name.Pretty sunset on the way back to Tejas.

Ugh

Just spent an hour or more in a hard conversation with a friend who works at the aforementioned church I'm leaving. I knew it would be difficult. But I feel like crap after it all.

And then? There was mouse poop on my desk when I got here.

Joy.

The News

So, I think I've communicated this to most folks that read this blog dealie and might be impacted by this information.

I'm starting to look for a new church.

It's been a long road to this decision but a few weeks ago when I had woken up early I had a chat with God and felt like this was the next step. Next step in what I'm not quite sure.

It's a rather sad thing to me. Sad because I've been a part of this church since I moved to the Chicago area eight or so years ago. They have sustained me through some incredibly tough times and challenged me and I've grown immensely. I see God differently now.

It has been a beautiful ride for the most part and a privilege to be involved in lots of different things and know so many fabulous people. I've watched kids grow up and it's an amazing thing to think that some of the youth were in my Sunday School classes not too long ago. Now they're in junior high and high school. Do I sound old yet?

But I am also aware that I do not want to be the cynical parishioner. I don't want to see fault and lack. I want to be able to support the movements in my church. And I want to feel like I can support the pastoral staff and feel like I am receiving good teaching.

There are lots of "I"s there and while I'm leery of making this all about me (what I'm getting out of this) it's the best decision I can make at this point.

Also? I'm terrified. Because I've never really done this before. I have no clue where to start. I could look for another church in the denomination I'm in right now. A possibility. There's one in the area I will visit. Also, because the school where I work is affiliated with a denomination, I know something about some of those so I might look at a few of those. But beyond that? I have no idea.

What about you? Have you done this before? What were you looking for? How did you end up where you are now, if you are somewhere?

Travels

Flying on the 22nd of December was not as painful as I imagined. I got out of work earlyish and did some laundry, packing, set up the kitties' food and water and watched part of a movie before I left for the airport. I know that there are reasons to be paranoid but why can't I say goodbye to my friend who dropped me off and watch her unwrap a gift whilst at the curb? But not so much as we were yelled at and threatened with a tow truck. Seriously, less than three minutes. Such craziness. Once I got into the airport it was barely 10 minutes before I was checked in, got my bag put through the machine, and myself through security. I'm pretty sure we should have started boarding sooner but that had little consequence to our departure time because as the last few folks got situated on the flight there was an announcement that our luggage had been loaded, not onto our place as is the normal custom, but into the plane next to us. Sweet! So we waited for about an hour for that to get straightened out. My optimistic point of view was that at least they noticed before we took off. Because that would have been one plane-full of pissed people. It also meant that my brother's flight and mine arrived within minutes of each other rather than an hour apart as previously scheduled. So, good for the parents.

Tamales were made the next day. Apparently my brother had never rolled a tamale before because extensive instructions had to be given. And about three more times before he was doing OK. Tamale making with three people = mucho trabajo y'all. But I brought a dozen home and they will hang out in the freezer until I want to see another corn husk. I'm not quite there yet.

Mom and Brother went to a show on Van Gogh and contemporaries. Dad and I hung out at home. It was an art museum free trip for me, which is rather like a Christmas miracle in many respects. While they were gone, my maternal uncle called and asked about getting together. My mom had emailed him two weeks before this and never heard back. So, no presents had been purchased or anything. But we would only be an hour away in OK the day after Christmas so he said we could meet them for lunch. The Padre and I dashed out to Target for gifts for them.

Family Christmas was laid back. I urged my mom to not go overboard with 50 million dishes as she normally does because she then gets stressed and in turn shares that stress with us when we would have all been happy with just tamales (which we had already made!) or just enchiladas etc. So beans, rice, tamales and guacamole. Perfection and not terrible amounts of work. Having gotten my beloved computer for birthday/Christmas I was not expecting much. But got a game I had just purchased two weeks prior to going to the parent's. True, I had asked for it. But that was before I was told "no dice". At least I think it was. So it got returned. And I had asked for it the year before to no avail. Clearly, I needed to take matters into my own hands! But the brother got me a wireless mouse for the computer which is so awesome because the little touch pad drives me insane when I'm working on a paper highlighting all willy nilly and whatnot. Also money, with which I have purchased a book or four and some new jeans because I needed new jeans badly.

The next day we drove to Oklahoma! where the wind goes whistling down the ... No? Fine then.
We had Christmas with my Dad's family and everyone was there minus my cousin who is a doctor and had to work and lives far away anyways. I got to meet the newest member of the family and hold him almost the entire time. Apparently I am very snuggleworthy and quite comfortable because he slept. A lot!

The next day we drove to Wichita. Sad to report that only family was visited, not friends that I would have liked to have seen or met. On our way our of town I suggested stopping to visit the grandparents (we drive right past the cemetery) so we did. This was the first Christmas they were all gone. I got to say hello to Abuelito and Abuelita and Grandpa and Grandma for a few moments but mostly missed them quite a bit.

And then we drove through to Texas, visited the town where Dad will start his new job in about and week and then back to Mom and Dad's house. Oh, and I read Eragon that day. Which is a good book. But seems to be quite like all other sci-fi fantasy books out there in many respects. But I had to finish it because Brother was leaving the next day.

I got back to Chicago early Friday and relaxed for a few days. New Year's Eve was a relaxed affair with folks to my place for games.

And the Bears lost. Ridiculous. Rex Grossman, I don't think I really trust you. Even if we make it to the Superbowl I am sure much choking and bad playing will ensure that we lose.

I also spent time sharing with friends about my Big Decision. Which, after I share with a few more folks, I'll be able to share with y'all.

I've noticed an echo...

Hi.

Sorry.

I've been out of town.

And offline.

But I'm back at work and back to blogging.

More to come, promise.