Oh, what a feelin'

Hi People.
Turning 30. Sometimes it's fun.
Especially when it lasts for two weeks.
Because two weeks ago tomorrow I got my first gift - lunch out and a lovely mix CD from a friend.
Last Monday (like, before Thanksgiving Monday) I got a sweet card from my boss-lady and a gift card for Target. Oh, do you like to shop there too? I'm slightly addicted.
Then the family came to celebrate with me. The parents paid for the brother to come out here and they stayed in a hotel (the parents - the brother stayed with me). And they gave me my shiny new computer which has been used ever so much as I furiously take notes for my paper due... soon. Which, y'all? That's a lot of money for the parental units, not having a good source of income and all right now.
Ooh! And my roomie gave me the soundtrack to Wicked before she left for her parent's place for Thanksgiving. Because we went to see it last year for my birthday (that whole Wizard of Oz obsession) and I wanted to get the soundtrack but never got around to buying it, because, well, I'm cheap.
And the brother got me a couple things.
And people? The Friends? The Friends - they are awesome. And they are throwing me a little party tomorrow. To which one is required to wear red. Which isn't a problem for me because I do a load of reds when I do laundry because I own so much red. Around Valentine's I've been known to wear red for an entire week leading up to the day. Yes. Really I do. Oddly enough, there are people out there that like me. Somedays I wonder why. But they like me enough to show up at this party (with something red) (hopefully the weather will not be so bad come tomorrow night - there is a blizzard in the works for tomorrow morning's rush hour) to help me get through this last bit of turning 30. And I am grateful.
So blogosphere friendternets, if you are in the Chicago area tomorrow night, the place with the red search lights shooting up into the sky with the loud bass? That's my place. Stop on by.

The Grace is in the Wrestling

A few weeks ago in class a comment was made as we discussed the implications of a certain passage that the grace was found in the wrestling.

The person referred to the incident of Jacob wrestling with God in Genesis.

Genesis 32:24-30
So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." The man asked him, "What is your name?" "Jacob," he answered. Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome." Jacob said, "Please tell me your name." But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

Jacob wrestled with this person until he had won, until he obtained a blessing. Jacob was not one to pass by a blessing either. He bartered with Esau for the birthright blessing and tricked his father for the blessing that he could get before his father died. So when Jacob encounters this person clearly not of the natural realm, he is anxious for another blessing. And he fights for it. Even when he is injured he continues to fight for the blessing, sure that one is to be found.

There is something incredibly profound in that thought Â? that the grace is found in the wrestling. When we have to deal with hard things and we struggle with them, we slowly learn, we slowly grow. The grace is found in the wrestling with the issue or the habit or the thought. Oftentimes we are given just enough grace to continue on with the battle for a little longer. Sometimes the grace is in the short respite we are given from the struggle. Or the grace is found as westrugglee to understand something a bit more deeply, sometimes from a different perspective than what we had before. When we persevere, when we have dealt with whatever it is, we get to see a little bit of God - and we live.

The Turkey

A How To Guide

Step 1. Make sure the turkey is large enough to not defrost in your fridge over 4 days. Alternatively, you can make sure your fridge is cold enough to not allow a turkey to defrost completely in 4 days. Do both if possible.

Dead turkey trying to escape

Step 2. Take turkey out of fridge at 10 pm the night before you must wake up at the butt crack of dawn in order to remove giblets and neck. Realize not completely thawed. Crap!
Stay up drinking Barq's and rum while bird thaws a bit on the counter.

lumpy bird

Step 3. Wake up at the ass-crack of dawn (6:30 am) to prevent parents from coming over Waaaay too early to help with the bird. Saute celery and onions in yummy clove and curry spices. Make the stuffing - dried apricots, craisins, celery and onion bits. Drool a bit at the thought of such yumminess. Also, stick some apricots down between the skin and breast.

Bird in a bag

Step 4: Melt more butter with ground cloves. While doing this, wrangle bird into oven bag. Pour melted butter between the skin and breast meat. And spread all over the outside of the bird. Close up that bag and stick it in the oven.

Step 5: Ignore bird for several hours while working on other things or talking to people.

Turkey, all cooked, gravy and stuffing galore

Step 6: Find someone to take out of oven, carve, and dish. Have mother on hand to make the gravy.

Step 7: EAT!

Turning 30...

I've survived the Birthday of Doom. For this I am thankful. And? Relatively speaking, unscathed.

Friday was nice enough as birthdays go. I got a new movie which I love and have rented more than once and it was nice for the brother to invest in that for me. Also, he gave me some rechargable batteries which are helpful with the camera. I've been wanting some for a while so that was also great.

But, the best is the thing I'm using right now. My new computer! Yay for Mom and Dad. I didn't think I would get it until Christmas but it arrived with them. I'm excited to now have something on which to take notes, both in class and of my readings for class. And I can play music in my room. Which may seem like a little thing but I have been unable to do this for about a year. And I don't have to borrow a computer from my roommates when I have to type a paper or want to check my email when I'm not at school. The possibilities are endless. So excited.

Then the family and I went downtown to see the windows at Macy's (the store formerly known as Marshall Field's) which was fun. I hadn't done that in a long time. We visited The Bean, one of my favorite parts of downtown Chicago. I guess it was being polished the last time the family was here because they don't remember it. And we spent some time in the Art Institute because, well, half of the family are artists. And instead of wandering around looking at things that everyone else wanted to see, I saw things I wanted to see. Edwardo's Chicago style pizza for dinner and then a movie. Calls from friends to say hi and happy birthday. And it was all quite nice.

News Flash - Cats Serve Purpose

So, we've been having a bit of a mouse problem in the house. I mean, when you leave powdered sugar and bags of rice easily accessible, well, what do you expect? Let's just say I was furious for a few days with my roommates. Leaving a buffet for the critters is not a good idea. So, after 5 mouse sightings in one day. Yes, five, traps have been baited and set. And the cats roam the house a little more freely than before.

But yesterday they hung out in my room for the most part. It's easier that way when there are other people around, because, well, Leo is mean to most other folks besides his momma. He was Not Happy when my brother kept walking into his (my) room to plug in things like his phone or rechargable batteries. Howling. Much. LOUD. Hoooowling. So, they were in my room and I went in there to retrieve something before I went to watch a movie with some friends. Apparently, there had been an intruder. Not the type of intruder that looked like me, larger than the cats, hard to take out. But the type of intruder that we have been trying to catch the past week. And it was dead. In the middle of my floor.

So, they serve some purpose (other than keeping my toes warm at night). Quite exciting. Also very happy it was not left in my bed like last time.

Enjoy the Turkey!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I am thankful for my family (even if they drive me crazy).
I am thankful for my friends because they help keep me sane.
I am thankful for my kitties, just because.
I am thankful for the blue skies and the beautiful weather this week.
I am thankful.

What are you thankful for this year?

Hmm...

Ah, the joys of family. And cooking for large amounts of people.
It's been a rough few days. The brother came in Monday night and the parental units last night. I was in tears by noon on Tuesday thanks to the brother and the turning Thirty (people- I turn thirty in two frickin' days!!). And then last night after dropping the parents off at their hotel, again, in the kitchen so stressed by them and they had only been in town for four hours. I know they are trying to help. But the questions. Dear God! The Questions! About! Everything!

But, H & E are coming over to help with things - and by things, I mean questions and parents and the brother.

Freaking out

But in a good way.

Just think of those screaming teenagers from when Elvis was on T.V. Or perhaps the Beetles.
That's the noise I'm making in my head. Not just one of those screaming girls, perhaps a dozen of them.

Because of this man:
This, my friends, is Gustavo Gutierrez. He's The father of Liberation Theology, developed as he pastored a parish in Peru. Today he splits his time between Peru and teaching theology at Notre Dame.

(Clearly he is a man of action. Even when he's talking.)

Oh, and various rock-star like appearances across the globe.

Next I'll have nightmares about being attacked by a turkey...

The past two mornings I have woken up at some ungodly hour (5:30 or so) and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I keep thinking about things I need to buy and recipes I need to look up.

This whole Thanksgiving thing might be stressing me out a little bit. Hmph.

Currently, I've got 19 folks in the count for dinner on Thursday. It's going to be great! I'm really excited to cook a (very large) turkey for the first time. And have all these lovely people to spend the day with. Oh, and the family, they fly in on Monday and Tuesday. For Thanksgiving. And the Birthday of Doom (doom oom oom oom) because they must be with me on the significant birthday and I was unwilling to give up the cacophony that is Thanksgiving with my friends here. I mean, my family is lovely and all as well. And I'm very glad they will be here. Especially my mom what with her experience cooking for large numbers of people and all. Except she gets stressed out about it and doesn't deal with it well.

And, it's a potluck so not terribly stressful. Except that noone has volunteered to bring mashed potatoes. What is Thanksgiving without the mashed potatoes? And the green bean casserole? Mmm... green bean casserole...

Also something I think will be amusing to say the least. The drinking. There will be wine. Perhaps other alcohol. My parents do not touch the stuff. Don't even cook with it. There will be more than one dish with some sort of spirit as an ingredient. I'm probably taking a little too much evil joy in this situation. I know, I sound like I'm 15 and my parents are so not cool. Ah well.

New Obsession

Right.

I have to check morning and afternoon for new posts.

And comments.

You people make me want to go out and buy more shoes.
In fact, I blame the collective for the shoe purchase within the last week. And browsing Zappos yesterday. Which might result in more shoe purchases. We'll see.

Although, I have to say, some of these shoes, not quite my style.

Another thing the world needs more of

is puppies.

The other day as I was walking to my car before driving in to work (Yeah, I park about 2.5 blocks away from where I live. My town sucks like that) I encountered a man walking two dogs. One, a sweet looking chihuahua, petite and well-behaved. But the other dog? A Bulldog Puppy! And maybe it's just a vibe I give off of "I love all animals" but this puppy? KNEW. Little rolly-polly bulldog puppy totally knew that I was a sucker for him (her? didn't get a chance to check but I always think of bulldogs as boys but there must be female bulldogs too because otherwise the breed would not exist) and wanted a little squishy petting. So he hunkered down in the grass and refused to move (much to the chagrin of his owner, I'm sure) until I had crossed the street and got a few wiggly pats in. So wiggly in fact that I might have poked the poor pup in the eye a time or two.















(photo completely stolen from someone somewhere out there in the webosphere who has little bulldog puppies)

And then I died from the cuteness as I finished walking to my car.

What the World Needs

Ask not what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive... then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. - Howard Thurman

Holly is leaving. Which makes me really happy for her. And makes me sad for those of us she's leaving. We work in the same building and it's nice to be able to stop by her desk and chat with her for a minute, see her out at the fax machine and say hi or have her stop by to see if a cookie might be had (we have lots of goodies in my office). And? She makes cute children's clothing and handy little warm/cold packs that are so pretty. I even get to see the gorgeous Helena on occasion. See what I'll be missing?

But here's the deal. Even though I'm all sad that she is leaving, Holly is SO EXCITED about what she's doing. When she was talking about becoming a doula she started crying. Because she is doing something she feels is really important and will make a difference in the lives of the families she is working with. It will.

Isn't that what we all want?

And what the world needs?

Chicago Politics

Clearly Chicago politics when the shenanigans of the candidates running for a certain county office are describes as "fisticuffs" and their supporters described as "hooligans".

Early and often folks, early and often. It's never a dull time around here.

But thank all that is good and holy, the Dems are in control of the House. A little accountability is a really good thing and what the governmental structure was built on. I think it's been a little lacking the past few years.

But Wisconsin, y'all are crazy. That marriage amendment makes me want to scream at every person that voted for it.

And a shout-out to my roommate who got the runaround yesterday whilst trying to vote. Initially told she was at the wrong polling place they sent her to another, and then she was sent back to the first one. Did I mention the octogenarians that hadn't a clue yesterday? But she perservered and voted - probably not the way I would have - but she did it.

Here's to a kinder, gentler, less-invasive-and-ignoring-your-civil-rights Congress!

Voted

My camera is dead. Or else you would get the "i voted!" sticker picture.

Besides the fact that there was no little signature sheet for me (but I was on the precint roll) voting went OK. The poor little ladies - octagenarians clearly - couldn't remember what to do with me so they waited for the one guy that was under 50 to come back to ask him. At least I had the right polling place and didn't forget about it.

Seriously, I had a dream about forgetting to vote last night. It involved weimaraners too. But then they turned into poodle-y looking dogs and were wearing clothes. And then I woke up. And I voted.

Turning 29 - again

Umm. Yeah. I turn 30 in less than a month.

I'm not handling this well.

There are just things that you expect for/of yourself by that time.

Like being married and having a kid. Or? Owning property or at least having a grasp on the budget (at least I'm doing a bit better with that these days). It would be nice to be done with the schooling by now. Course, I love it so I don't think that will ever end. I would like to have a job that pays me decently - and it would help with a few of these other things!

Thankfully, I am not alone. I have fantastic friends. I have a job - even if it doesn't pay as much as I would like. I am getting another degree - for almost free. Those are all lovely things. Which I must remind myself of on a regular basis so that I don't lose it.

And the family will be here to celebrate with me over Thanksgiving, which I am hosting. So, if you are planning to come, let me know. Also, if you have some good recipes, send those along. I'm also looking for a place that smokes turkeys. It's what Dad wants.

At some point, there will be a large party with red everywhere.

You're invited.

What to do? What to do?

This post is rather long. And? Not uplifting. Sorry.

Every so often I find myself battling depression. I don't know if it's hereditary or anything like that. But it's been a persistent thing in my life that I hate. When this thing hangs over me I know I'm not the person I'm supposed to be, happy and laughing, warm and loving. Instead I would much rather crawl under a rock or my bedcovers and ignore the world for a good long while. In high school I would come home from school and sleep. I contemplated suicide. Pills seemed the best option because I thought it would be cruel to make a mess while killing one's self. I didn't want my mother to have to clean up after me. I avoid sleeping pills to this day.

In college I had friends ask me why I didn't laugh anymore. If you know me, you know that my laugh is infectious. It's loud and long, from the gut. And people may not have known my name but they knew my laugh. I went to counseling both times and in college and a while after, took anti-depressants. I knew that I needed it. I remember thinking that I had to make it through my last semester of school. Otherwise I would never come back to finish up. They helped even me out. Helped me not think about things too much.

I did. It helped that a friend from those days was also going through counseling and her own cocktail of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. Oddly enough, about a week after I had my last session with my shrink-lady, as I fondly referred to her, the shit hit the fan. A good friend who had also been battling depression slit one of her wrists. I knew she was depressed but I was too stuck to do anything about it. I had another good friend betray me in a pretty crappy way. It was a pretty spectacular way to end my time out there.

And, over the intervening years, I have occasionally felt depression creeping in at the periphery of my mind. Except that it has never been as bad as it was back then so I have done my best to ignore it. Usually it goes away or hides just out of sight.

But, over the past few months I have become more and more aware of the fact that I am living in a consistent, usually low-level - sometimes worse - state of depression. I don't think that I have always been so persistently negative or easy to anger or tears as I have over the past few months. I don't think that I've always been so dissatisfied with life things. I constantly tell myself "It's the PMS" except, it's not. But that is where I'm at right now.

I keep telling myself it isn't that bad. Not bad enough to warrant visits to a shrink or to start taking pills. But it does seem bad enough that I have some decisions to make, lifestyle decisions. Does spending two hours in the car everyday commuting to work make me happy? Does working at a place where I can be interrupted four times in one day talking to the same person and him not notice contribute to the overall crappy feeling? Persistent unhappiness with the congregation I'm a part of - should I be looking somewhere else for spiritual food and health? These are all questions I have been asking myself these days. I'm just trying to figure out what to do.